Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday Fun: Birth Order and Romantic Compatibility

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Research suggests that the order in which you were born, relative to your siblings, plays a role in shaping your personality -- older siblings tend to be more traditional and dominant, middle-borns more sociable and attention-seeking, and younger siblings more rebellious and unconventional. These differences are theorized to stem from sibling competition and the need to occupy different "niches" in order to shine and gain parental favor (e.g., the overachiever, the entertainer, the party animal, the artist, etc). Less is known about how these differences impact romantic relationships -- there is plenty of pop psychology on this topic, but not much empirical research. However, in the spirit of Friday Fun, here are some suggestive findings on this topic (and my perhaps overzealous interpretations of them) to help you figure out whether you and your partner are a match made in birth-order heaven:

1. Like A Boss. Think about the romantic relationships in your life - and your friends' lives - that worked (at least temporarily) and the ones that quickly fizzled. What were the birth orders of those involved? Do you see any patterns? For example, if you're a first-born, do you tend to get along more easily with latter-borns, but clash with fellow first-borns? If you're a younger or middle child, is the opposite true? Although birds of a feather tend to stick together when it comes to most characteristics, there is some evidence that opposites do attract when it comes to complementarity between dominance and submission (e.g. Dryer & Horowitz, 1997). That is, a partnership of alphas may run into problems. To the extent that first-borns are used to being "the boss," they might be more compatible with partners who are used to playing the more submissive role (i.e., latter-borns). This is not to say that first-borns are power-hungry dictators, but they might be more likely to, say, take the lead in planning a travel itinerary, while their latter-born partner may be happy to just go with the flow. Consistent with this idea, Sulloway (2001) cites evidence that first-borns tend to be more dominant with their spouses (though this is not the case in their interactions with peers).




2. Stuck In The Middle. Being a middle child seems to be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, research suggests that middle children tend towards insecure attachment and jealousy, perhaps because of early experiences of feeling they have to fight tooth and nail for their parents' attention. On the other hand, they may also be able to handle conflict better (the "peace-maker" niche) and be flexible enough to get along well romantically with either first or latter borns.




3. One Is Not The Loneliest Number. Early research suggested that "singletons" were at a disadvantage, but that idea has now been discredited. More recent research suggests that only children do just as well (if not better) academically, in part because their parents may have more time and financial resources available to support them. Only children may also have the advantage of greater maturity and self-esteem. It's unclear what this means for compatibility, though - only's may appreciate the extended family they gain through a partner with siblings, or they may feel a kinship with those who had a similar childhood experience.




4. Save The Best For Last. Having an older sibling, especially if this sibling is of the opposite sex, seems to be a major asset when it comes to charming opposite sex strangers. In one study, researchers found that male participants with older sisters, compared to firstborn men with younger sisters, were more talkative, asked more questions, and were better liked by female interaction partners. Female participants with older brothers were also better liked, and elicited more smiles. This research fits in with other findings suggesting that latter-borns are generally more socially skilled, regardless of their siblings' gender, and may have more success romantically.



As fascinating as this research is, it's also controversial (some have found no personality differences based on birth order), and, importantly, it is intended to describe general patterns, not encompass all individual experiences (there are plenty of dominant, driven younger children). There are also many additional factors that come into play with sibling dynamics - gender, age differences, emotional closeness, and characteristics of the family environment. So there's no need to let birth order dictate your romantic decisions, but if you're like me it might be a fun way to try to understand why some relationships may have worked better than others.

Do you feel like your birth order has played a role in your romantic relationships? If so, let us know how in the comments section!

Further Reading: 

Jefferson, T., Herbst, J., & McCrae, R. (1998). Associations between Birth Order and Personality Traits: Evidence from Self-Reports and Observer Ratings Journal of Research in Personality, 32 (4), 498-509 DOI: 10.1006/jrpe.1998.2233

Sulloway, Frank J. (1996). Born To Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Revolutionary Genius

13 comments:

  1. Good video clips uploaded. Thanks for this.
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  2. Interesting thoughts, although I agree that this describes a more general pattern as opposed to individual experiences. Personally, I am the driving youngest child and my husband is a relaxed middle child and I've found that our relationship has thrived much more than any other I've had. I definitely think that "opposites attract" is the mantra best describing our relationship, and that birth order had little to no role in that.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, B! It does seem like you and your husband defy the typical birth order personality stereotypes, as I'm sure many people too. I wonder though if the key to compatibility, birth-order speaking, is more about role complementarity, which could be based on whatever unique roles each partner occupied in their respective sibling dynamics.

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  3. There are many other factors that enter in, like the physical and emotional condition of the family as a whole. My brother is 4 1/2 years older than me and grew up in a completely different family from mine. Our parents were upwardly mobile but deteriorated due to alcoholism and ill health. My brother had young, healthy, attentivem but relatively poor parents, while I had older, wealthier, but much less attentive parents than he. Two totally different families in one household due to time.

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    1. Great point - changes in family dynamics may also influence the way siblings relate to one another (and personality more generally), especially in cases like yours where there's a large age difference.

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  4. What about only children? Would they fall into the 1st born category?

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    1. Only children are similar to first-borns in that they have no one above them (except their parents), but they're also similar to youngest siblings who have no one below them. So I could see it going either way in terms of romantic compatibility. Also see #3 ("One is not the loneliest number") for some other thoughts.

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  5. A lot of this is true...to a point. The author also neglected to mention siblings that are 10, 15 and even 20 years apart. Then the differences become generational and cultural rather than a question of birth order. Big brother loved The Beatles and toy soldiers and baby brother is into Hootie and the Blowfish and internet cafes.

    I read an Esquire article in which the actor Jeffrey Tambor said, "The secret to life is to surround yourself with the people who 'get' you and only the people who get you." I think this little nugget of wisdom will trump birth order any day.

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    1. Absolutely. (That's what I was referring to when I mentioned the influence of age differences). This comment also relates to an earlier comment about growing up in separate environments - both are very good points. Certainly in those cases, as in all cases, there are many, many other factors that shape personality aside from birth order. As for the influence of sibling dynamics, age differences of 10-20 years would likely mean that each sibling spent most of his or her childhood living without their sibling, so birth order may have a smaller effect, if any, in those cases.

      I agree with you that feeling understood by someone probably matters a lot more than birth order per se, but I wonder to what extent birth order might play a role in who we feel understood by.

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  6. I like this article. I think it's funny and revealing. It's obvious that the author isn't trying to challenge important factors that effect couple dynamics, but is suggesting that in some circumstances birth order may play an interesting role in how these dynamics shake out.

    The article's application to my family of five siblings is surprisingly accurate. Though my oldest brother is 10 years older than I am, and yes, we grew up under very different circumstances, the birth order roles amongst my siblings and i tend to fall pretty closely to the author's description. That is, my oldest brother is the alpha male, my middle sibling the party animal, and I, the youngest, am the weird artsy one.

    My eldest siblings have taken dominant roles in their spousal relationships, the middle child is just recently getting past the party animal phase and has been through two marriage/divorces, the second to youngest was a devoted sort who was walked on in his marriage that also ended in divorce, and I'm scarred single (but hopefully not for forever).

    Now clearly, as the author said, a lot of other factors have effected these relationships; including culture/religion, illness, and upbringing. But it's interesting how birth order does still seem relevant in our family through it all. Lastly, I think that this might be true for us because the concept of 'family' and family roles were strongly reinforced in the culture/religion of my parents.

    Thanks for the fun read. It is worth reflecting on :)

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    1. Thanks for sharing your perspective! I think you made a great point that a lot of this may depend on family roles and expectations - in some families, siblings may be expected and encouraged to occupy distinct roles, both within the family and more specifically in relation to one another, whereas in other families roles may be more fluid.

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  7. what if an older male was to get a female younger than he was in age but who is a middle child? would the order still have to same affect or would the middle child female in the situation be like a last born?

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  8. http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/Perspectives_1/Willie_Lynch_letter_The_Making_of_a_Slave.shtml

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